Sunday, August 30, 2009
Let Our Strength be the Law of Justice...
When you’re stuck in the darkness and can’t see your way clear, constantly being abused mentally and emotionally, not only by the damage your abuser caused, but by the cesspool of Social Services and the court system, it IS hard to see, much less, reach for any kind of light. It takes every ounce of your energy and courage just to face another day as you try to continue on while you know deep down, everything you’re dealing with, ends up being a losing battle- even with giving it your all to try to make it right, buries you in a monstrous grave of self-pity reserved for, “the loser.” This is a fact about myself I had to face as it was extremely hard and painful to admit. But, there is nothing you can do to prove to the system, you are worthy of YOUR OWN CHILDREN.
You’ve jumped through all of the hoops, you’ve tried to fight against them; you’ve been angered to the point of wanting to explode, but dare not, because they would add another label on you, possibly calling you an abuser too. However, if you continue to take their abuse, they end up labeling you, weak and not strong enough to care for a family. It’s a catch 22!
You’ve done everything you’ve been told to do, but the judges always side with the Social Services Workers, then comes up with the lamest of lame excuses as to why you can’t have your children back. In my case, “LACK OF COMMUNICATION,” (such fabricator’s, I swear!) Eventually, the judge tells you, he’s tired of seeing you in his courtroom and doesn’t want to see you there, ever again… So, where are you, one, two or three years later… and where are you within your frame of mind? Maybe sunk a whole lot deeper in the darkness, while unconsciously clawing upwards, trying to find your own worth. You had begun to learn a little more, but not enough to make a difference… not enough to stop that snowball from rolling and getting bigger… (Oh, how I wanted to crash that thing and smash it into little pieces! But sadly, I never could… it just got bigger!)
Your heart aches and then shatters into bits and pieces. You cry and scream with a vengeance as every hurtful emotion known to mankind becomes intensely unbearable… then once this all passes, numbness takes over. You feel lost and alone while trying to muster up the courage to face yet, another day.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GO FROM HERE?
The human spirit of survival is an amazing thing if you allow yourself to tune into it. Did you have times where you had to reach way down within yourself to grab just a little more courage… just a little more strength to continue on? Did you ever feel that you just couldn’t go any further, then all at once, a new found energy… a new found determination set in? This, my friend, is the SPIRIT OF SURVIVAL.
Now, I do know there are those who couldn’t make it and fell completely apart- they either lost their minds and their sense of themselves. Good people have fallen by the wayside with immersing themselves in drugs and alcohol or they committed suicide because they couldn’t grab onto any personal strength- they just didn’t know where or how to look for it. Personally, I think Social Services should be held accountable for their roles in being these monstrous abusers and contributing to the demise of these individuals, but that is beside the point for now.
I’ve had the question posed to me, “when there is no further place to go, no further to reach down into that darkness, how can you come back up?”
The answer is, once you’ve hit rock bottom, there is no other place to go, but up!
This is the very first rule of learning how to become a survivor. I don’t know how many times I told myself this before it actually sunk in. You can’t dig into rock bare fingered, and you can’t blast through it because you don’t have the equipment for it. Start pulling yourself up slowly, one day at a time.
Another question posed, “you've been broken into so many pieces and you just don’t have the energy to pull yourself up, where do you go from there?”
The answer, allow the Spirit of Survival take over, pray for strength and pray for guidance. Let that little voice inside of yourself speak as it has in the past, but really listen to it.
There are more steps in becoming a strong survivor, which I will cover in future parts. For now, if you’re looking to gain strength and become the person you wish to be, start with allowing yourself permission to live. Don’t waste your whole life trying to get back what was taken away...just do the best you can to pick up the pieces and continue on.