Thursday, September 10, 2009
In part one, I mentioned towards the end, “allowing yourself permission to live.” That seems like a silly statement, doesn’t it? It’s not, trust me! How many times did you feel that you couldn’t go on living, and continue living with the tortured mind that took over, almost on a daily basis? How many times did you wish you were dead? And… how many times, did you actually believe that your abuser might have been right by his statements, “the world would be better off without you in it,” or, “you deserve to be dead…” Also, how many times did you fall into bed in complete exhaustion from the mental war that raged within you each day?
You couldn’t quite give up and give into the temptation of ending it all as somewhere, deep inside of you, you were given the grace to continue on. Yes, I call it GRACE… The little voice inside of you has been speaking and willing you to go on as you’re taking one day at a time, living one hour by each hour, minute by minute, but why? Your spirit of survival, that’s why!
As each day goes by and the years turn into years afterwards, you’ve made it this far, you’re still living and breathing, but you still have your down times with your moments of crying, along with unbearable agonizing pain while rehashing the past. It’s good to let these feeling go as you are cleansing yourself emotionally, but it’s still hard to enjoy the time you’re at right now and feel alive with being a fully functional individual. It’s hard to trust, much less love another person, and your ex’s words echo through your mind, leaving their poisonous venom in each nook and cranny, seeping down towards your heart. So, what do you do? Are you tired of functioning this way? I know I was! It was time to get tough! I didn’t like who I was and I wasn’t any good for the people around me.
Give yourself permission to live and be fully alive. When those negative memories try to surface, make up an affirmation that is just all of your own. Mine was, “I don’t have time to think about this, I will live today and enjoy it in the process.” Then try to find something you love to do and immerse yourself into it. Mine is writing.
I would write about any and everything else that didn’t have anything to do with what I had been through. Fantasy worlds were made up with all sorts of people along with phenomenal storylines. Once I began feeling better with making it through my days without extreme heartache and tears, I began to start reaching out and doing more of what I enjoy doing… gardening. Showers became a blessing for me too. Not only did I clean away the dust and sweat from my body, but I also scrubbed away the negative thoughts, which I consider them as dirty as dirt, while mentally watching them flow down the drain. Once I stepped out of the shower, I was clean and renewed of spirit.
I had given myself the permission I needed to feel alive and start ridding myself of what oppressed me. It was during this time, I began to really listen to and depend on the little voice inside of me as I remembered how it had spoken to me previous times before. Once, it had kept me from being in an accident out on the highway going through Tennessee.
It was early hours in the morning and I was driving back home to Florida by myself. My car was equipped with a CB and I had quite a few conversations with the trucker whom was in front of me. I had been following him through Ohio and then into Tennessee. As we were getting closer to Knoxville, he told me, “hook onto my donkey darlin’, and I’ll get you through the metro before the rush hour starts in.”
“I would Transplant, (that was his handle,) but I need to stop and make a call to the ol’ man before he goes to work and let him know where I am,” I replied. “I’ll catch up with you on the flip flop later.”
“You sure darlin’?” he asked.
I thought about it and that little voice inside, nagged me to stop before trying to beat the traffic there. I tried to reason with it, but it insisted quite adamantly. I gave into it.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” I told him, “I’ll catch up with you on the southbound later.”
We parted company- I stopped in Sweetwater and he continued on. After making my call to my ex, (whom was still my husband at that time,) I got myself something to eat and stretched my legs for a bit. A half an hour later, I was back on the road.
When I was driving through the bypass of Knoxville, I noticed how the traffic had slowed to a crawl while I listened to other truckers talking on the CB about how two eighteen wheelers had collided with each other in the southbound lanes and there were three vehicles behind them that had also been smashed in the wreck. Both of the drivers of those trucks, and the three drivers of those cars had been killed.
As my car crept forward and I could see the big rigs that were involved, my heart sank as I recognized Transplant’s, ‘parking lot,’ (he hauled cars.) If I had stayed on, “his donkey,” as he called it, I would have been one of those unfortunate souls.
I had listened to the tiny still voice within myself then and it helped guide me at that time. Other times, I ignored it, especially when I was going through all of the abuse my ex dished out and also through the abuse of the court system. In hind sight, I’d have to say, I was punishing myself for others actions towards me and my failures.
However, during the course of trying to heal myself many years later, the voice inside began to speak clearer and stronger. I was reminded of that time of driving through Tennessee, and I was reminded that I had listened then, and it was now time to start listening again. This was another step to take along my journey of becoming a strong survivor.
…Part 3 will follow…